I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around my shoulders, holding onto myself as though I might disappear at any moment. I pulled my legs up tightly underneath me, as I lay motionless on the sofa. The blinds in my living room were closed. Perhaps my home was just too embarrassed to let passers-by catch a glimpse of my broken soul. It was a Monday morning and the sun was shining. The warmth of the sun’s rays were not however reaching any part of my ’non-life’ that formed the landscape of my existence. That is how depression felt for me. I was aware that I existed but I could not put my hand on my heart and swear that I was alive.

My name is Michael and I won my battle with depression and anxiety after a campaign that lasted fifteen years. During that time I fought my brain across a variety of battlefields including my workplace, the gym, bars and restaurants in central London, the bedrooms of strangers I’d met online and in the comforting arms of friends, family and healthcare professionals. To me, it felt like a battle to the death where only one side would emerge victorious. Two opposing forces using all their strength and cunning to dominate and ultimately consume the other.

I ultimately proved victorious, although I maintain a constant vigilance against the possibility of my depression and anxiety returning. As I reflect on the past 15 years I can now pinpoint the exact turning point in the fight. The moment the momentum began to swing in my favour and I began, day by day, to recapture the parts of my identity that made up the best of me. As a learning and development professional I turned to what I was most familiar with, creating a personal development strategy. The plan that emerged was complex and would take time to implement, but as I stared at the scribblings in my notebook, for the first time I felt a sense of vitality creeping back into my mind. "This is going to work, Michael” I repeated to myself, “This is going to work.”

I have chosen to share this account of my journey during Mental Health Awareness Week 2019 with the aim of offering hope to anyone in the midst of their own battle with depression and anxiety. The personal development strategy I executed might work for you; it might not. If any single element resonates with you feel free to try it, with the usual caveat that you should first consult with a qualified medical practitioner if your symptoms are severe.

I knew that if I was going to win the battle of raging in my head I would need to fundamentally change my mind before I could change my life.

Reading the book ‘Mindset’ by Dr Carol Dweck, I learned that developing a growth mindset was my best chance of accomplishing this goal. Dr Dweck explains that “In a growth mindset people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.” I have coached thousands of finance students successfully through challenging professional exams and it struck me that if I could identify the common qualities of their growth mindsets, I could develop those qualities for myself. Sifting through all the information I had accumulated over the years, from thousands of interactions with successful students, four common qualities surfaced. The consistent application of COMMITMENT, CURIOSITY, COURAGE and COMPASSION changed the lives of those students who had embedded these qualities in their study mindset. I set about researching further the building blocks of these four qualities; scouring academic papers, personal development books, learning and development methodologies and scientific journals. On completion of my research I drew up the following personal development strategy and headed into battle one more time.

THE FIRST QUALITY - COMMITMENT

“What is the point of life? Why bother living at all if we ultimately end up as worm food?” In my experience, the worst damage my depression did to me was to destroy any feeling of hope. I simply did not care about life at all. I experienced each day as though standing on one of those endless travelators you encounter at an airport; totally zoned out, following a predetermined path, holding onto my emotional baggage while others barged past me on their way to more exciting destinations. I needed to jump off the travelator, choose my own path and start taking steps to move forward. There is a famous quote spoken by the character Red, played by Morgan Freeman, in the film ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. “Get busy living, or get busy dying.” I stumbled upon the first quality of a growth mindset when I made the COMMITMENT to get busy living.

From my research it became clear that commitment begins with having a sense of PURPOSE. I first needed to build a solid foundation and become grounded instead of drifting along at the whim of external circumstances and other people’s agendas. I completed a couple of personal development exercises and the results showed me that my purpose is “to educate, empower and entertain others”. Reading these words over and over again lifted my spirits. A feeling of hope, a tiny lightening of the weight I felt on my back, arose as I began to see meaning in my future.

For many years I believed I was a victim of my depression and anxiety.

The role of victim is commonly associated with those looking to others to blame for their circumstances. Victims typically avoid taking responsibility for their recovery. I chose to blame my prolonged suffering on my depression and anxiety and in so doing gave away any power I had to change my circumstances. I looked to others to step in and sort out my problems for me and when they didn’t I would distract myself from the growing chaos or worse still, just ignored it completely. It took me years to realise that I could not think my way out of my depression. It would require action on my part. I would need to focus all my energy (no matter how limited it was on any given day) on becoming PRODUCTIVE. I therefore set about creating a daily task list with actions that were fully aligned to my new sense of purpose.

Creating a list of actions to become productive was not enough to set my commitment in motion. Not if my feelings had any say in the matter. At the time of my depression I would open my things to do list and the voice in my head would say, “I can’t be arsed to do that!” “It can wait until tomorrow.” “I’m in the mood for a family bucket of KFC washed down with a bottle of pinot grigio.” If I was going to win the battle over my depression and anxiety I would need to deploy the weapon of SELF DISCIPLINE. I turned to the power of habits and created a variety of daily routines made up of positive behaviours that, when applied consistently over time, reprogrammed my mind with healthy actions that I would carry out automatically, almost without thinking. To begin with these actions were as simple as taking a shower, brushing my teeth, making my bed (one of the first things to go when you get depressed is often your personal hygiene routine). Eventually, I was meditating, cooking healthy food and speaking affirmations out loud, effortlessly.

The combination of a sense of PURPOSE along with becoming PRODUCTIVE and SELF DISCIPLINED established the quality of COMMITMENT in my emerging growth mindset. This gave me the strength to move on and explore the second quality in my development strategy.

THE SECOND QUALITY - CURIOSITY

Next time you bump into a quantum physicist in your local coffee shop, take a moment to ask them to describe the natural state of the Universe. They are likely to reply with the word “growth”. Everything that exists in the Universe, if left alone to get on with its job, will ultimately choose growth. This rule applies to human beings too. We are pre-programmed to grow from the moment we are conceived until the day we die; physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually. In my research I discovered that if we interrupt our natural desire to grow it creates suffering within us. When you hold back your physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual growth over a prolonged period of time you risk becoming depressed. The quality that holds the key to unlocking growth is CURIOSITY.

Studying the data I had accumulated on successful students I found that they approached every opportunity for growth with HUMILITY. They acknowledged that in order to grow they first needed to accept they had vulnerabilities in their knowledge, skills, values, beliefs, behaviours and experience; otherwise what was there to learn? In the context of my battle with depression, humility meant letting go of the idea that I could ever be perfect, letting go of the desire to avoid failure at any cost, letting go of the impulse to constantly compare myself to others and try to prove that I’m the best. As a learning and development professional I had for many years preached the importance of these lessons in my presentations. It was time I showed some humility myself and heeded my own advice. Once I took the decision to make humility part of my growth mindset I felt empowered to unearth the root causes of my lack of growth.

All feelings begin with a physical sensation in our bodies, before our minds start generating thoughts and actions in response. Too often these physical sensations go unnoticed as we become overwhelmed by spiralling thoughts that are triggered by unpleasant feelings such as fear, anger or jealousy. Bookshops are filled with personal development books that share a common insight into handling unpleasant feelings. This insight is often expressed by the following words; “the only way out is through.” In practice this means that the only way to be free of the feeling of anxiety is first to experience anxiety in its fullest, unfiltered form. Anxiety is a common experience in exam halls across the country, especially when students see a question they can't answer. Talking with successful students who had overcome their anxiety in the exam hall, I discovered that by being INQUISITIVE about the physical sensation of fear in their bodies, they could recognise it when it appeared during an exam. They understood that anxiety during an exam was unavoidable but instead they could change their relationship with it. Showing curiosity towards feelings of fear enabled them to maintain a healthy detachment from the physical sensation and this prevented the spiralling of thoughts that would otherwise feed their fear until it became panic. I introduced into my personal development strategy a healthy dose of inquisitiveness towards any unpleasant feelings and this enabled me to experience them fully, with the knowledge that they would eventually pass without harm.

As I became inquisitive about my feelings I began to label them as either pleasant or unpleasant; good or bad. Feelings of joy are pleasant and good. Feelings of anxiety are unpleasant and bad. I sat in judgement on my feelings as I experienced them which then affected the thoughts and behaviours I manifested in response to them.

Our feelings are literally energy in motion (e-motion) and serve as our most powerful feedback loop when it comes to making choices about how to act in any given set of circumstances.

By labelling my feelings I was introducing conscious bias into my feedback loop. Any feedback I received that I labelled unpleasant or bad I interpreted as a sign that there was something wrong with me. It was not a surprise therefore that I avoided at all costs experiencing bad or unpleasant feelings. My body was signalling to me the need to act, via my emotions. Meanwhile I was metaphorically shutting my eyes, covering my ears with my hands while singing “La, La, La, La” over and over again. Ignoring the unpleasant or bad feelings meant I avoided taking the very actions necessary to return my emotional state to neutral. If I was going to experience the full range of feedback available, via my emotions and take action to move forwarded I needed to become UNBIASED towards them. I updated my personal development plan to include a daily journaling exercise where I recorded my responses to any feelings and the labels I attached to them. With practice I learned to stop labelling my emotions as either good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant and experienced them without judgement. I could now tap into the full range of feedback available to me which gave me a distinct advantage in my battle with depression and anxiety.

The combination of showing HUMILITY and becoming INQUISITIVE and UNBIASED towards my feelings gave me the CURIOSITY I needed to explore opportunities for growth and ultimately outgrow my depression and anxiety.

THE THIRD QUALITY - COURAGE

The curiosity I developed enabled me to notice that my symptoms of depression and anxiety worsened whenever I hid my feelings from myself and others. A big part of my role at the time was listening to students expressing their anger and frustration at me for failing their exams - pointing their finger at the lack of support they had received from my department, rather than accepting their own lack of commitment to their studies. This behaviour would provoke similar feelings of anger within me. And yet, as a leader in the organisation it would have been unprofessional of me to express that anger at my students. Instead I would suppress it. I also noticed that I became more depressed when I chose to hold back from expressing my thoughts or worse, said things to manipulate others in order to get what I wanted. I retained a desperate desire for approval from my childhood and would often say or do anything in order to be liked. “Of course, it’s ok that you blame me for your exam failure.” “I completely support your intention to get your line manager to harass me and tie me up in needless phone calls.” You get the point. I learned that the students who were able to fully express their feelings and thoughts in an authentic way, were not the students who went on to develop symptoms of depression themselves. If I was going to win the battle with my depression I would need to show the world my fully authentic thoughts and feelings and that would take COURAGE.

Building authenticity into my personal development strategy would require me to say what I mean, do as I say and express how I feel.

It dawned on me that there was a huge overlap between these intentions and the requirement for INTEGRITY in my chosen profession; accountancy. If I was going to defeat my depression with courage I would need to live my life with integrity. I would need to overcome my desire to be liked and express my feelings in a healthy and constructive way. I would need to say what was on my mind in an assertive way, remaining respectful of others' feelings. I would need to act in accordance with the values and beliefs that I held and often talked about with my students. My need for integrity led to one of the most dramatic steps I took in implementing my personal development strategy. I quit my job after 22 years of continuous service when I concluded that I could’t be truly authentic in my current role. If I was going to win the battle with my depression I would need to find a new role where I felt able to express myself authentically.

Some might say that the decision to quit my job after 22 years, without having any idea what I would do next, was foolish and irresponsible. I chose to see it as an act of courage. When I researched examples of men and women who had acted courageously, I discovered that they each had a strong sense of FAITH in the outcome. For some that faith was based on a belief that God would look after them. For others it was based on unwavering belief in themselves. In all examples the men and women acted without evidence or guarantees that the outcome would be successful. The courage I needed to quit my job and search for a new opportunity would require a leap of faith on my part. I considered myself to be a spiritual person, albeit not a religious one. I believed in a universal intelligence greater than our own, although I hadn’t given it form in my head. I needed to build faith in the universe and self belief into my personal development strategy if I was going to develop the courage to quit my job. I turned to daily affirmations and visualisations to nurture my faith and self belief. Each morning I sat quietly for ten mins and visualised myself in my ideal role, conjured up images of going to work on my own business, choosing the clients I wanted to work with, speaking in public about my battle with depression and anxiety. The more I visualised myself in this role, the more it felt real to me and my self belief grew stronger.

According to the Small Business Association (SBA) approximately 30% of small businesses fail in their first year. Ouch! I didn’t like those odds. I had grown accustomed to earning a six figure salary and was fortunate not to have to worry about making ends meet. I also wasn't 21 years old anymore. I was 44 with a family and significant financial commitments to take care of. During my first year as a small business owner, I came to appreciate the difficulties most entrepreneurs have to cope with initially.

Business contacts who previously would fight to get into my diary no longer replied to my calls and messages, invoices for services rendered went unpaid while monthly bills landed on my doorstep with the regularity of rain clouds.

I put all my energy into my battle with my depression and now I'd opened up a second front against the risks of owning a failing business. Once again I turned to the data I'd accumulated on successful students for help. The best coaching relationships I had were with students who refused to give up, in spite of multiple exam failures, and went on to complete their chosen qualification. They shared the capacity to recover quickly from any set backs and return to their studies. I needed to become RESILIENT to set backs in my business if I was to achieve my desire to become a successful business owner and overcome my depression. I updated my development strategy to include goals on problem solving, building a strong support network and learning new skills. Each of these goals enhanced my resilience and gave me the courage to face difficulties with optimism.

The combination of having INTEGRITY and FAITH in myself along with becoming RESILIENT to uncertainty and change gave me the COURAGE I needed to find a more satisfying role. My ability to be my authentic self in this new role represented a significant advancement in my battle with depression and anxiety. I now had them both on the run. It would take one further quality of a growth mindset to defeat them - once and for all.

THE FOURTH QUALITY - COMPASSION

"I wish I was taller. I wish I didn’t have depression. I wish my father was still alive. I wish I didn’t have to work. I wish I was straight.” I have spoken all these phrases at various points in my life. I have also experienced more conversations than I care to remember that started with the words, “I wish I had passed my exam.”

So much of the emotional pain and suffering I have experienced during the last 15 years was the result of resistance to things I couldn’t control or change.

Holding onto these thoughts simply prolonged my suffering and offered no solutions to my problems. I was in effect torturing myself in ways that I would never contemplate for anyone else, not even my worst enemies. The successful students I worked with over the years rarely beat themselves up when things went wrong. They recognised failure as part of the process of learning and were able to comfort themselves during hard times. If I was to defeat depression and anxiety I needed to learn to show myself COMPASSION.

I was an ambitious person and drove myself to exceed my own expectations. Whenever I failed to reach my self imposed and often impossible standards I beat myself up. My inner voice whispered in my ear, “You’re useless. Nobody will like you if can’t impress them with your status, your job title and a flashy car.” This inner voice often whipped me back into shape and I climbed up the next rung on the corporate ladder. Over those 15 years I experienced a lifestyle that would be the envy of most. I dined at the best restaurants, I traveled to exotic countries, I drove a sports car. So long as I kept climbing and spending, I felt good inside. What I failed to appreciate was the ladder was standing on some very shaky foundations and as soon as I stopped climbing my life began to topple over. The fall was long, hard and fast. Without the six figure income and the status of my previous role I quickly lost the things I had poured my self worth into.

Bye bye sports car, bye bye expensive holidays, bye bye £15 roof top cocktails.

With hindsight it was the best experience of my life. I learned two important lessons during this period that enabled me to build compassion into my development plan. The first lesson was that my climbing and spending was not driven by a healthy sense of my own potential; it was driven instead by fear. I was running away from those aspects of my life I was resisting because they were too painful to accept. The second lesson was that ACCEPTANCE of those things that I couldn’t control or change, was the first step in showing myself compassion.

Employing the curiosity I spoke of earlier, I came to view my anxiety as a product of spending time in a ‘mental time machine’, zipping backwards and forwards between decisions and actions from my past and potential risks and outcomes of my future. Walking my dog in the countryside I was rarely in the present moment. I was ignorant of the sunshine streaming through the canopy of the forest or the sound of a nearby brook. Instead I was back in that business meeting from six months ago where I failed to get approval for my spending plans. Next minute I was jumping ahead to one of many possible futures, explaining to my team why I could not afford to replace a member of staff who recently left. My worry grew stronger the more I used my time machine to relive the past and plot out my future. Turning to my personal development books once again, I found the answer to defeating my anxiety in meditation. A daily practice of meditation each morning taught me to become MINDFUL. Mindfulness is a mental state of focussed awareness on the present moment. I admit that to begin with I approached the practice of meditation with a large dollop of scepticism, but my curiosity kept me going until I began to experience immediate and lasting relief from my anxiety. I discovered that it was impossible for my mind to spend time in the time machine while it was in a state of focussed awareness on the present moment.

We spend so much of our lives trapped in our heads reliving the past or worrying about the future.

Using meditation, I felt for the first time I was no longer simply existing. I was experiencing my life.

It is my long held view that most of us who have experienced depression have lived with the belief that “we are not good enough”, for a sustained period of time. Unable to grow physically, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually we fight against our natural desires until the suffering becomes too much to bear and we unplug ourselves from our lives. When we arrive into the world we arrive perfect as we are. We accept the world and ourselves without judgement, we risk failure as we learn to walk and we don’t give up the first time we fall over. If we did we’d all be crawling into Starbucks for our grande, soya lattes on all fours. It never occurs to us as babies to question whether we are good enough.

Over time as we build relationships with our parents, our friends, our teachers, our bosses and society in general we absorb their opinions of us and often accept them as the truth with very little scrutiny.

For many people as they grow through adolescence to adulthood they develop a healthy sense of identity independent of others' opinions and then learn to nurture their sense of self worth. For me, that process of ‘growing up’ was interrupted by a set of circumstances that were outside of my control. I learned during my adolescence in the late 1980’s that being short, ginger and gay was not a competitive advantage in the race for acceptance by others. I was however smart and a hard worker. So I poured all my energy into winning others’ approval by getting the best grades, the best job and the best stuff. Surely then I would be good enough. As my development strategy drew to a close I found that the cure to feeling not good enough was to shower myself with KINDNESS. I established a habit of writing down each day in my journal five reasons to be grateful for who I was on that day. I made a list of actions I would take to show a friend or family member that I loved them and instead I took those actions for myself. Initially, I felt like I didn’t deserve the attention but finally after a long period of sustained kindness I came to believe I was good enough, exactly the way I was.

I look forward to Monday morning’s now. My living room blinds are usually open by 7am and should a passer by care to glance through the window they are likely to see me munching on a bowl of bran flakes and sipping on a cup of black coffee. I approach each day with a sense of anticipation, vitality and gratitude.

The memory of my battle with depression and anxiety slowly fades with each passing day, although the path I followed is now a part of my future.

The success of my personal development plan has encouraged me to incorporate it into my business plan. The qualities of a growth mindset have universal benefits for anyone trapped by limiting thoughts, feelings or behaviours. I continue to follow my life’s purpose, to educate, empower and entertain others and in the process feel good enough to grow.

Michael Walby is a learning and development consultant, mindset coach and founder of Good Enough to Grow, an organisation who’s mission is to help financial professionals improve their mental wealth through authentic growth. Michael can be contacted at michael@goodenoughtogrow.com

Our founder's philosophies for life - week one

My journey to mental wealth - How I won my battle with depression and anxiety.